Has it ever occurred to you that love is not enough to make everything work all the time? Have you loved somebody where you felt you weren’t happy and yet you kept saying, “But I love you so deeply. Isn’t that enough?”When was the last time you were happy and felt accepted when around them or did you find yourself anxious, fidgeting and largely misunderstood?
Sometimes our relationships mimic our insecurities and reflect how we feel about ourselves. Not before long this self doubt influences our judgment and harshly imposes itself to upset the very core of a loving relationship. It then becomes hard to accept the love that comes our way and not the one we think we deserve.
As a rule some people are just a better match for us than others. They outsmart us in every possible way. Not always of course, not everybody. I’m someone who doesn’t like to talk much but connect on a deep, emotional level. Unfortunately, I’ve a habit of choosing people who are either incapable of keeping a secret or just don’t like to connect or bond deeply. So I always end up feeling alone and misunderstood.
There is nothing wrong with them. It’s just that I am not a good match.
I think everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to vulnerabilities. Some people crave for intense emotional intimacy; some do not. My parents were married for eighteen years till he passed away at 42. For most part and as far as I remember they were happy and content and an adorable couple.
Years later I wonder if there’s a way to live my true self as they did. I have no right to judge them but I guess that’s how they had agreed to go along with in the first place.
For me though, I want more and need more!
You Are Never Too Much
Do you crumble at life’s circumstances easily or do you come out stronger each time you hit a wall? When life brings something painful and seems to come apart, how you bounce back actually determines if you have been brave enough to take all the aches and pains in your stride. You can either react emotionally and escalate your misery or face it resolutely and grow through it.
When in difficult situations I’ve stayed hoping that some miracle of all miracles would somehow happen. I treasured telling myself “Shouldn’t that be enough?” Unfortunately it doesn’t happen that way. It never has and it never will. Just loving somebody is never enough. The drama that life brings is inevitable. Would you want to waste time and effort if it’s going nowhere?
So whether your relationship leaves you unsure when world around you goes bust or asks far too many answers; look for these tell tale signs before you settle down feeling alone and out of sorts. You might just get your answer.
Love’s no longer even handed
When life is not kind, do you tell your beloved something that’s important to you? What you get in return -a comforting response or a hasty retort? “I really need to spend quality time with you because it lessens my worries and calming,” Do these words make them cringe or empathetic? If you are not understood correctly or even don’t want to heard , then love has begun backsliding .You’ve never been right for each other. It was always about the tangible world only.
Love isn’t about good days only; it’s about staying together when life takes a beating. Otherwise…you’re in a lopsided relationship and you’ll never be fulfilled.
I remember the time I came home from an extremely stressful day and really needed to vent. To this day I couldn’t forget my spouse looking at me in shocked silence. I had never behaved the way I did that day. Eventually she snapped indignantly, ” I am not your girlfriend. If you want to talk like that call somebody else.” What could I have done with that? If she doesn’t want to talk to me or care about how my day went or that I’m stressed, where should I go?
It struck me later; ‘You do win some in love but you lose even more and the rest if any… slips out quietly’.
Do people want to know your real side?
It’s hard to guess when sand would begin slipping through the fingers. Who really wants to see their flip side? If it still happens you’ll be left at your wits end and an air of indifference would suck out whatever shred of love is left there. This is the time when you’re outside the comfort level of your vulnerability and crave for an intense emotional intimacy. You’ll have more of your past to deal with and won’t be able to a comeback from your darkest days.
Do you know why?
Love always goes on a back burner when some midlife crisis begins to burn you out in unsavory bursts. You no longer feel accepted and understood for all your quirkiness and irrationality. Clearly you need ‘more than you think and less than you want.’ If not then you are left perpetually dissatisfied and over the time love will probably erode itself away.
Honestly it’s all about a mindful existence where love alone doesn’t feed all the necessary elements for a positive outcome. You may love someone with everything you have got, be utterly smitten and it wouldn’t still be enough to build a stable relationship or walk you through hard times.
Living less frayed is always a better choice
When life takes a turn for worse it’s not unnatural people trying to put you down and make you feel like you can’t or won’t accomplish anything. Not loved or cherished by others, does your partner supports you or wears you down? For the most part your cheer leader needs to support and encourage you. But it doesn’t always happen the way you want. When drawn out for long, often love puts you down on the bench and make you feel you’re more trouble than it’s worth.
Life is not a whispered promise of sad losses only. It’s too short to be with someone who doesn’t believe in you. Choose ease over anguish. Your days should not be filled with angst, conflict or misery. Fix your side of the street and see if anything changes. If yes; you will get the chance to reinvent yourself. If not; you need to rethink- “Is my love not enough to bring home happiness again?”
Way out?
Rejig your life. Love them. Hate them. But you can’t ignore that you have a life to reshape as well. There are still better ways to do that than you’d have thought.
Truly these questions can the change the world for you. All you need is to keep asking yourself. Not once but over and over. Every month, every six months, every six years . “Is my life better with them in it? Or is being in love as unromantic as it sounds? Am I finally with someone who could knock me off my feet? Have I finally found the one that makes me feel complete?”
In as much as you love them and as much as you think they love you, if they can’t be one in thousand reasons to meet your needs, then you’re throwing away the precious moments you are left with.
There are way too many wonderful people out there, but that doesn’t make them the right ones for you. Just because you love them doesn’t mean you can be happy with them when life collapses.
Loving someone is a choice but living a meaningful life is not an everyday bet. Choose your happiness wisely and while doing so choose love rather than it choosing you.
The Maverick#59: Inspiring and empowering, for the best is possible. 